What does hitting rock bottom mean to you? Let’s talk!

 I know I always say this, but its been a long time! I hope everyone is keeping safe and taking care of their mental health? Today we're going all in, we're having a chit chat and just reflecting over lowest points in life. This is a topic I am very passionate about, I have spoken to a few people about this and I mean obviously everything I have talked about here revolves around this. So in this episode, we're discussing hitting rock bottom, let me just say it happens to the best of us, I mean this is very vague cause everyone's definition of hitting rock bottom differs and that's okay cause we live different experiences but the point is, we all experience it here and there and I am not an exception. Mine would be when I completed Uni, getting adjusted to life after university and jobless at the same time was really overwhelming. To be honest I really enjoyed the first few weeks, cause I mean, I always slept in, I did not have to rush into lecture halls or have to worry about meeting assignment deadlines or worrying about presentations, if you know me you probably know I have social anxiety and presentations were my biggest fears I just cannot come to terms with the fact that I have to stand in front of a crowd, all eyes on me so I was happy being at home getting as much rest as I wanted, catching up on my shows and just chilling at home, but things started taking a turn after a few weeks. Surprisingly I was not having as much fun as I anticipated and I knew that was not what I was looking for, I knew needed more, I needed to be more productive, I wanted more than waking up each day and all I do is cook, clean, scroll through social media and binge watch Youtube shows and I wake up the following day and do the same things. What's that slang again? I wake up the following day and "rinse and repeat". I had a special spot in the living-room where I'd sit during the day when everyone else was away staring at the little green tree outside of the window . And when everyone was around eventually, you'd think I will be excited about seeing them but instead I'd lock myself up in my room just to not hear about how their day at work or school went. I was running away from reality basically. My mom would come into my room with the occasional "Mariam finti bungo kono silang" and I'd just smile and let it go not knowing how to best explain my feelings to her cause sometimes they do not just get it. And once I reflected and realised how all of this was taking a big toll on me and my confidence and I definitely knew I needed some change and I was tired of having to do the same things over and over again. I know I needed a routine and needed to do something different, change can be very overwhelming but it is needed for growth so I started binge 'applying for jobs' if that's grammatically correct. I had applied for jobs and none got back to me about my application status and whenever I'd see a call from an unknown number, I'd jump and pick up with the hope that its for a job I applied but that was never the case and the wait was killing me. I had applied for so many kinds of jobs and I eventually got invited to an interview hence my current job although not what I was really looking for but you know what? It will work for now. And let’s take a break to put across a little disclaimer, I am not being vulnerable so you can be sorry, I am opening up with the hope that if this reaches you and you can relate you are not alone in this struggle. And oh, the next step in your life an an African girl or at least as a Gambian is marriage right after graduation right? the pressure of marriage started coming from all ends, the unsolicited advice from friends and extended family and it was getting overwhelming, it did not really bother me and it did not affect me in the moment but I end up having these conversations in my head. And I'd ask myself in fact why am I not married?  at least that way it would not look like I am idling around and at least I will be "taking care" of my husband and my home and I do not have to be a burden on my parents at home.  Because at least most of my course mates from university and friends were married and they were doing well in their marriages, at least from the outside, some of them were either working or had travelled for their masters or to work elsewhere and it looked like I was stagnant. But to be honest with myself, at that point, I knew marriage was not possible cause I needed to work on my self first, I was not the most confident person and I needed to know myself better to allow me to get to know someone and that simply meant I was not ready. Actually, this might actually lead us into our next discussion, how does this sound as a topic? “learning about yourself, working on your confidence and standing your grounds” We will see about this on the next episode. All these help in getting ready to make big decisions and of course with constant prayer and seeking God's approval. But one thing I know for sure is that I am not gonna let societal pressure push me into making big decisions like marriage when I am not ready. I know it is better said than done but, you do not have to follow societal timelines about life long decisions, there’s nothing like this is where you are “supposed” to be at a certain point in life, do life at your own pace and just let yourself grow and be sure that you are truly ready before you make life long decisions. You know what? enough now, I do not want to bore you, see you in the comments! And I promise this month, we are having two episodes to make up for the past month or months. Gosh, I do not even know how long it has been.